Dream Dilemma
Okay! Here's another one of my weird brain freeze event.
Ever stuck in a situation when you want to talk to someone and you are not able to? And with passing time when you don't talk to'em the desire to talk builds-up more and more. Well! This is something like that.
You see I met a girl a year ago and there's something different about her. I'm not saying she's a very different girl and I see something with her and all. Just that her nature and behaviour is something which I haven't been able to understand. More like a problem that I have not been able to solve for a while. It was good to be with her till there was some sort of misunderstanding and I moved to another place so there was sudden lack of communication between us. And I never tried to overcome this gap until one day she texted me herself and we cleared it all. It felt peaceful to clear the dust between us and be on good terms again.
The reason for not initiating the conversation on my part was that she misunderstood something about me and made certain assumptions and stopped talking. I understood what had happened and I didn't try to check with her to clear things. Well! She made the assumptions and it was all in her mind so what's my fault and why should I go to figure things out.
The other reason being the image that I had created. I wasn't some guy who'd stoop/bend low just to make others feel comfortable. No. More like I was defensive or rather in a battle mode. I always calculated moves and thought my actions through, to stand a firm ground and portray a solid image that would be complete in itself. So my response to the situation was," I didn't make the mistake. And I'm not going to put myself lower than her. If she want's things to go normal, she should take initiative", rather than,"Oh! Seems to be some misunderstanding. I should sort it out even if I have to take a step back in the other direction."
Anyways. Now nearly after a year things have become normal again between us, and I don't know how or why, I had a dream last night. It felt so real and soothing and I didn't want it to end. The dream had me, her, my family, my home and the beautiful weather of Doon. She was a good friend and acquaintance with my family, and with me, she was more. She loved me, and I seemed to be admiring her affection for me, and eventually feeling blessed having her. Feeling warmth and secure when she kissed me. I kissed her back. She was happy. And so was I. Felt like the whole Doon was happy reflecting it in it's climate. Happy that she was with me. I can tell what I felt. I felt it after a long time. I felt secure. I felt warm. I felt cared. I felt another hand holding mine. I felt love.
And that is weird. I don't feel this usually. In fact, I don't feel this at all. I run from this. I don't like this feeling because it creates a weakness within me. I hate weakness. It's a vulnerability. But this time it felt good.
I wanted to tell her all this. I even texted her to do so but didn't say anything. And I know it's stupid. What am I thinking!? Telling her will do no good. It will only repel her away. Not that I care about it much but still. I have a repo to protect. It will compromise that image of mine and my stand. I can't appear to be weak. I just can't have it.
Now, as I didn't tell her and I don't want to keep thinking of it. The best way I figured to get this cloudy thought out of my head was to resort to writing. So here I am. Blurting it all out. Jotting down another of my off-beat thoughts.
Chao!
Ever stuck in a situation when you want to talk to someone and you are not able to? And with passing time when you don't talk to'em the desire to talk builds-up more and more. Well! This is something like that.
You see I met a girl a year ago and there's something different about her. I'm not saying she's a very different girl and I see something with her and all. Just that her nature and behaviour is something which I haven't been able to understand. More like a problem that I have not been able to solve for a while. It was good to be with her till there was some sort of misunderstanding and I moved to another place so there was sudden lack of communication between us. And I never tried to overcome this gap until one day she texted me herself and we cleared it all. It felt peaceful to clear the dust between us and be on good terms again.
The reason for not initiating the conversation on my part was that she misunderstood something about me and made certain assumptions and stopped talking. I understood what had happened and I didn't try to check with her to clear things. Well! She made the assumptions and it was all in her mind so what's my fault and why should I go to figure things out.
The other reason being the image that I had created. I wasn't some guy who'd stoop/bend low just to make others feel comfortable. No. More like I was defensive or rather in a battle mode. I always calculated moves and thought my actions through, to stand a firm ground and portray a solid image that would be complete in itself. So my response to the situation was," I didn't make the mistake. And I'm not going to put myself lower than her. If she want's things to go normal, she should take initiative", rather than,"Oh! Seems to be some misunderstanding. I should sort it out even if I have to take a step back in the other direction."
Anyways. Now nearly after a year things have become normal again between us, and I don't know how or why, I had a dream last night. It felt so real and soothing and I didn't want it to end. The dream had me, her, my family, my home and the beautiful weather of Doon. She was a good friend and acquaintance with my family, and with me, she was more. She loved me, and I seemed to be admiring her affection for me, and eventually feeling blessed having her. Feeling warmth and secure when she kissed me. I kissed her back. She was happy. And so was I. Felt like the whole Doon was happy reflecting it in it's climate. Happy that she was with me. I can tell what I felt. I felt it after a long time. I felt secure. I felt warm. I felt cared. I felt another hand holding mine. I felt love.
And that is weird. I don't feel this usually. In fact, I don't feel this at all. I run from this. I don't like this feeling because it creates a weakness within me. I hate weakness. It's a vulnerability. But this time it felt good.
I wanted to tell her all this. I even texted her to do so but didn't say anything. And I know it's stupid. What am I thinking!? Telling her will do no good. It will only repel her away. Not that I care about it much but still. I have a repo to protect. It will compromise that image of mine and my stand. I can't appear to be weak. I just can't have it.
Now, as I didn't tell her and I don't want to keep thinking of it. The best way I figured to get this cloudy thought out of my head was to resort to writing. So here I am. Blurting it all out. Jotting down another of my off-beat thoughts.
Chao!
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